Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Dear Diary, Sorrow

May 5, 2009

I hate my mom too much for me to bear. IHMMTMFMTB. She said, he reason why i got into my beloved school, ever since K2, CAIS, is probably because of my sister's "cheerful" attitude towards the interview when she was small. Dear Diary, do u know how much that hurt me? it makes me sound so useless. Like a thousand needles down my throat! My sister is blessed with a gameboy and 5 gamepaks when she was 5, from my aunt, while i, who is 2 years younger, with 2 years smaller quantity of experience of life and drawing skills, finally beat my sister in drawing. i was really happy. But i had no reward. none like my sister's. I was only 6.

during summer, i scanned 3 times more photos than my sister. yet, all i got was a 200$ yugioh pack, while she got a 2000$ 16gb itouch.

when my sdad talks about logic, science, math, etc., he'd only talk about it with my sister. ok fine, then i invite myself. i asked him to repeat 1 sentence, just one, and he told me, "if you don't get it, then shoo. ur not old enough to understand anyways." Dear Diary, don't just look at my outter, cheerful self. I hav a sorrow background.

when i eat, no more than the quantity me dad allows, which is usually less than enough. I feel the same as before i ate. no more than 2 bites of snacks. When i'm on my 2 bite, he already starts mocking. But if i were my sister, he pretends he sees nothing.

when we're both in trouble, i get the harsher punishment. i get all the blame. thanks a lot.

Just as i get ungrounded, i get grounded again. just when do i get to use my computer publicly? my sister spends her entire day at her computer, yet nobody makes a sound. but if i were to do that, even i just 1/5 the time, i'd get grounded again.

"Enid, did you finish you're homework?" is wat they ask everyday. if i say i didn't, i get another grounding. if i were my sister, they'd just say, finish it.

I don't feel loved. Dear Diary, is it just me? because i don't feel like i'm being noticed by the world, like the world made a space just for me.

i'm crying as i write this, Diary. Love is not found in my vocabulary. my name is not carved on this planet. maybe Mars suits me better. There is no home i can return to, nobody there to wait for me, looking forward. Diary, you're my only life-long family member. I've been with u since grade 2, and till now, u still haven't left me. who could possibly be better than u? Even with this pen that i'm writing with, is half broken, and out of ink. Have u left me too, Lesley's given pen? Do you detest me so much?

I'm afraid of the outside world, the love sumtimes. u dunno when they're true or not. I'm afraid of being alone, while i am anyways, all the time. there's darkness surrounding me everywhere, nowhere for me to hide. this is freaky, Diary. won't you be there to help me?

my sister gets the bigger room, better view, better clothes, bigger and better food, tender punishments.

Diary, i wonder if this is the world's logic. that all bigger sisters r blessed more. if so, y has such a logic been created?

y am i so blessed with such a sustainable family, yet be cursed with the lonliness? i don't get y i'm so cursed. the only thing that possible ever happened to me in my life was meeting my friends. i don't think that "love" ever happens in my family. tho we're such an independant family, we lack at bonds.

May parents get into fights daily. it's almost like a routine. sometimes, worry over them getting divorced. i can't help but think that. they complain to me about each other. i thought they were supposed to be one? y rn't they?

my grandma is so nice to me, but she no longer wants to butt into my buissness. this is half my fault. I went to see the physiotherapist one day, and he gave me a little excercise to help me. my grandma gave me a serious look. i didn't like it. so i told her not to butt in, and til now, she still couldn't forget.

my sister, tho i hate her, she might as well be my only blood-related half-reliable family member, though i still feel a big gap between us. as if she's from another planet, another world, apart from me.

My helper, i hate her most of the time. She is half reliable as well. i feel as tho she's my best family member, because she's the only one who cares. if she leaves, i wonder wat will happen to me...

Don't ppl live by leaning on their family? borrowing their shoulders for help? y don't i feel any bars, waiting for me up ahead, looking forward to me approaching? y am i so blessed, yet so cursed? people out there with perfext bond-tied family, feel blessed. not every one lives a perfectly fine life like you. i envy Vivienne, having such a nice sister, comical mom, funky dad, nice family. Lesley, for having such an obedient brother, and caring mother. Lesley, even when u were mean to your mother, she didn't hate you, and talk less to u. she blessed u more than anything, knowing that u'll need it. but i didn't experience anything like this in my life. we r a loveless, bondless family. there's no love existing. i feel so cold at home. i want some warmth. but that is impossible with wat my home is like, because there's no love, so there's no warmth.

if my friends and i seperate one day, i seriously wonder wat will happen to me? i don't like meeting new friends. i don't think that any will be as good as the ones i hav beside me rite now. i'll just a movable crap, with no goals to achieve, no meaning in life, struggling to live. if there is no soul in the crust, there is no meaning to life. only sorrow will remain. this will not go away no matter how hard i try. it's already printed over and over again in my brain. they'll stay with me forever.

but i don't wish for these happy and sad memories to leave, because i need them to survive, and live my life down. they've already happened, so i can't neglect its existence. in any way, if they leave me, they would not make the "original" Enid. I'd just be a perfect life-filled Enid, with no meaning in life. if sadness exists, then i would learn from it, and set it as my goal to change it. if it doesn't exist, i'm not human. all human has experienced sadness. maybe little sadness, maybe major sadness. but in any way, it's still sadness.


Kathyy said...

I read the whole entry. i noe how u feel, cause i have a mother that is way worse...u wont even imagine!!

Lesley Havekost said...

tough life, dude... (my pen wont leave u~)

Hyuga Neji ROCKZ said...

but ur pen just DID LEZ!!! IT DIEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD it ran out of ink AND it BROKE!!!